GREENBEARD is presenting his regular Tech Gear television show. He is sitting on his usual chair made from scrap metal on a raised platform surrounded by an attentive audience of tech-heads. LONG JACK and KARPOV KATYUSHA stand amongst them.


Hello and welcome to our Freebooted Tech Gear New Year Special. Now, rather than showcase the capabilities of some of New Eden’s finest fighting ships as we would normally do, on today’s show we are going to show you something far more entertaining. We are going to prove to you what an utter idiot our incumbent CEO is. And here to prove it is none other than the grand master clot himself, ‘Seismic’ Stanvall – I like to chew plastic explosives – Roth, along with his latest recruit, Kasmira Dufay.

There is polite applause from the audience as the camera pans out to show SEISMIC STAN and KASMIRA DUFAY sitting on the scrap-metal guest couch. SEISMIC STAN opens his mouth to speak but GREENBEARD gets there first.


Before we get into our main feature, I have a few questions for you.

SEISMIC STAN sits forward in anticipation of replying.


Kasmira, what on Caldari Prime made you sign up to work with this idiot?

SEISMIC STAN looks annoyed. KASMIRA DUFAY begins to speak, but GREENBEARD interrupts again.


I mean, in his grand plan for the expansion of the corporation, you were the only one who responded to his failed recruitment drive. Surely that must tell you something.

KASMIRA DUFAY (shrugging)

Well it was a quiet day, I was in the Old Pond Pub having drunk one too many rums and it seemed like a good idea at the time.




So it was a case of diminished responsibility as the result of a case of rum – those are two of the main prerequisites for Freebooter membership. But are you regretting that decision yet?


Not at all, it’s been very entertaining.


Glad to hear it, that’s just what we need, enthusiasm and low expectations.

SEISMIC STAN (angrily)

Listen Greenbeard, I’ve had just about en… (his microphone cuts out)

GREENBEARD (waggling his finger theatrically at SEISMIC STAN)

Ah ah ah, now now Stanley. Your corporation, MY show.

SEISMIC STAN fumes silently.


So, onto the the glorious farce that is Seismic Stan’s ‘Extremely Stupid Missioning’ series. Not content with taking hours to complete a relatively straightforward level four mission in a ridiculously fitted Caracal cruiser, he then went on to predictably fail to complete a similar mission in a Kestrel frigate. Any sane person would realise at that point that there are probably better ways to spend their time. But not our Stanley. Roll VT.

Extreme(ly Stupid) Missioning: The Legend of SSS Stupid.


The holoreel footage of Seismic Stan’s Mammoth exploits is shown on a big screen.





Greenbeard looks amused and thoughtfully at the camera, allowing the moment to hang.


So. What can we say? For the cost of two Mammoths, both no doubt rigged and fitted with tech two modules, one destroyed and the other so poorly designed it can serve no further useful purpose, you have determined what absolutely everyone else here and at home already knew. Industrials don’t do combat.


Well no, not really. I’ve proved what everyone else just assumed. That’s a public service. That’s science.


No, science is something that scientists do. This was idiocy, which is something that idiots do. And to underline the idiocy, you left your foolhardy new recruit to die. And then tried to blame it onto me!


Well that was part of the initiation, wasn’t it. And you did invent the whole magic fleet warp thing.


At the end of your report there, you described your Mammoth as ‘Gloriously stupid’ Which I feel is the perfect way to sum many things up. Gloriously stupid is fine when you’re describing a comical little outing like that, but when it comes to a leadership style, it’s not really top of most people’s ‘desirable CEO traits’ list.


So what’re you saying?

GREENBEARD looks over to LONG JACK and KARPOV KATYUSHA who have sidled up behind SEISMIC STAN and are loitering ominously.

GREENBEARD (to his henchmen)

Did you find one? Oh good, let’s have it then.

LONG JACK hands a cloth-wrapped item to GREENBEARD, who unwraps it, a look of mild disgust appearing across his face.

You could have removed the fleshy parts. Oh well, adds to the effect I suppose.

GREENBEARD throws down a gloved hand and forearm onto the floor in front of SEISMIC STAN.

SEISMIC STAN (looking down at the oozing appendage)

What’s this?


Isn’t it obvious? It’s a gauntlet. Well, it’s the protective glove from the escape suit of one of the crew from the Elephant of Dewm. It’s fitting that I use the gauntlet of a crewman whom you left to die horribly in space…

LONG JACK shifts awkwardly and clears his throat. GREENBEARD glares at LONG JACK.


Difficult to find bodies in space. There’s easier places…


Never mind! The point is it’s about time this ridiculous charade of leadership came to an end. You’ve avoided capsuleer-versus-capsuleer combat, instead pursuing these meaningless experiments. Under your leadership, we’ve lost two starbases, you’ve withdrawn us from Factional Warfare because someone destroyed one of your toys, you’ve refused to rejoin the Art of War alliance out of sheer pride and you’ve generally made a laughing stock of MY corporation.


Don’t forget I installed heated toilet seats in our HQ too. A definite improvement I think.


Bah! It’s time Greenbeard’s Freebooters was returned to it’s former glories. Seismic Stan, I challenge you to a duel for control of the corporation.


Well, since you asked so nicely, it’s a date. Can anyone remember what happened last time? It eludes me.

As GREENBEARD and SEISMIC STAN square up to each other, KARPOV KATYUSHA’s face fills the screen.


I haf a wery big chin. Ant on dat bombshill, gutnight.


[More like this: Tech Gear Challenge: Caldari Missioning Battleships]

Vsmit · 01/01/2011 at 20:16

Nice ending, there.

R Aventine · 01/01/2011 at 21:39

I feel it my duty to 'cover the story', and possibly gank the winner.

Seismic Stan · 01/01/2011 at 21:58

Heh, can't stand in the way of tradition, after all.

Mike Azariah · 04/01/2011 at 00:40

Excellent as always, I found it amazing, I could hear the top gear voices all the way through/.

Never be able to read your stuff again without that adjustment. You guys still recruiting?

I have my own rum. Well, I did, obviously it can evaporate if left in a glass close to hand.


Seismic Stan · 04/01/2011 at 01:29

For you Mike, our door would always be open, however I would be lying if I said we are currently a hive of activity.

Come and chat in the OLD POND PUB channel to see what we and other patrons are up to, or dare to enter the OLD POND PUB CELLAR for Freebooter recruitment details.

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