For readers confused by what lies ahead, know that thirty-two tech-one and faction frigate names were researched online and their namesakes entered into a knockout competition to determine, albeit unconventionally, which EVE Online frigate is the undisputed champion. It is advisable to begin this journey from the very start by following these links (believe me, it’ll make absolutely no sense otherwise):
- All 32 Contenders in their pre-competition glory, eager and ready for the fray.
- The qualifying round; death, scissors, overdoses and much more.
With only sixteen competitors remaining, read on to find out who makes it into the quarter-finals.
Breacher vs. Dramiel
Confident from his early victory, once again Dr. Amiel relaxes on his porch. He watches the treeline for the approach of his next opponent, stroking his lovingly preserved antique shotgun. But his confidence dissolves instantly as the woodland erupts with a splintering crash and the 72-ton M1A1 Breacher lumbers forth. Dr. Amiel fires off a desperate shot which impacts harmlessly on the tank’s thick armour. The Breacher returns fire, eviscerating the hapless brain surgeon and most of his house.
Probe vs. Vigil
With the evil Galactic Empire searching for Rebel outposts across the galaxy, by pure improbable chance one Imperial Probe locks onto a strange world carried on the back of a giant turtle. Crashing to the ground on the outskirts of Ankh-Morpork, the Probe begins to document it’s findings as the undetected Commander Vimes moves stealthily to investigate.
Realising that the strange mechanical device is clearly above his pay-grade, he retreats to an area that might even the odds, allowing the Probe to detect his departure as he did so. With the Probe in pursuit, a short jog later and his arrival in the Ankh-Morpork palace gardens, designed by the infamous Bloody Stupid Johnson, meant it was simply a matter of luring the hovering Probe over an innocent-looking sundial. Fortunately for Vimes, it was exactly noon and, as expected, the unexpected happens. The sun-dial explodes, destroying the Probe and allowing Vimes to continue his Vigil. Ankh-Morpork was safe (relatively speaking) once more and Vimes progresses through to the next round.
Executioner vs. Comet
This cataclysmic clash of metaphysical entities was over before it began. With The Grim Reaper’s command over all things living, no amount of Santa Claus’ faerie dust was going to protect poor Comet the reindeer from the finality of that swinging scythe. Standing in spirit form beside his Executioner, Comet looks forlornly down at his dismembered corpse and realises the irony of the fact that he had been ‘sleighed’. Ho ho ho.
Merlin vs. Punisher
In a gentlemanly and sportsmanlike endeavour, Merlin invited your Mum out for some pre-bout tea and biscuits. After a pleasant chat about the weather, her role as your childhood Punisher and the woes of getting older, gathering stormclouds cause Mum some concern as she’s left washing on the line. Worried about her undies, she makes her excuses and rushes off before the heavens open, forfeiting the match. Merlin saunters off whistling, with his staff of weather control tucked under his arm.
Slicer vs. Inquisitor
Suspicious of mind and familiar with instruments of torture, the Inquisitor enters the abandoned Butcher’s shop and immediately sees the sentient meat Slicer For what it is; an instrument of Chaos. The Slicer pays the price for being an inanimate object and is helplessly rent asunder by several well-placed bolter rounds.
Cruor vs. Kestrel
The Kestrel, soaring high and surveying the ground with it’s keen vision, spies the puddle of Cruor waiting patiently in a dark alley. Sensing the potential threat, but lacking the means to combat it directly, the Kestrel banks toward a nearby hedgerow. There the Kestrel terrifies several rodents into breaking cover and fleeing toward the alleyway. Once the panicked vermin are within sniffing distance of the Cruor, the Kestrel finds a perch out of sight where it confidently preens itself, safe in the knowledge that his herded but hungry quarry would make short work of the pool of organic waste that was it’s opponent. Kestrel wins.
Condor vs. Succubus
The Succubus monitors her next victim from her ethereal world of dreams, waiting for the Condor to sleep, perchance to die. Her patience is rewarded when the Condor, tired from a day scavenging on the wing, returns home to roost. As the giant bird-of-prey drifts of into slumber, the Succubus invades it’s mind to crush it’s soul with her dark arts. But in the swirling clouds of the dreamscape, the Succubus is stunned to find the Condor is far more powerful than she expected. In myth, legend and dream, the Condor is known as the Thunderbird. With complete power over storms and with a vengeful demeanour, the Succubus is blasted into submission by thunder and lightning and then torn apart by the Thunderbird’s serrated beak.
Atron vs. Slasher
Evil child-killer cum dream-stalking slasher Freddy Krueger enters the sci-fi laboratory and makes his way straight to the Orgasmatron. Leering with confident glee, he lays down on the device and closes his eyes as he allows the Excessive Machine to do it’s worst. Within in seconds Freddy is cackling with orgasmic fury and, on the stroke of vinegar, thrusts his bladed hand through his own groin and into the heart of the Orgasmatron, ending it’s existence and giving himself a slightly higher voice.
And so the last eight combatants are decided. Watch out for the final rounds soon.
Rixx Javix · 07/09/2011 at 12:53
Tis a silly thing! But awesome and it made me laugh more than a few times, so well done m8.
My isk is on the Breacher. (I can't believe I actually typed that.)
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