Aha, I’m onto you Team Avatar.

I note that in CCP Unifex’s devblog, his announcement that the next expansion is to be called “Inferno” came shortly after all the missiles were renamed, with one missile type also being called “Inferno”.

Coincidence? I think not.

Some careful research has revealed the true nature of EVE Online’s upcoming avatar-based expansions.

Summer 2012 – EVE Online: Inferno

The first expansion will see the optional inclusion of open fires in our Captain’s Quarters, with a hearth fashioned from a disused Inferno missile. Not only will this serve as a statement of style, it also provides an entertaining way to delete items, dragging-and-dropping in order to make the blaze higher. Sometimes things may melt together to form rare loot, other times it will explode, wiping out your clone.

With the ability to invite one other player into your quarters, this will lead to exciting games of fireside Russian roulette.

New animations such as “furtive glance”, “hand-holding” and “knee-touching” will enable players to get to know each other better in an intimate environment ripe for some awkward yet romantic moments.

Jita 4-4 will be renamed Brokeback Station.

Winter 2012 – EVE Online: Trauma

With the release of the highly anticipated CARBON Internal Organ Simulator, players will be able to manually insert their implants in a location of their choosing, with creative placement yielding additional benefits and comical side-effects.

Accidentally put your ‘Deadeye’ gunnery implant too close to your optic nerve and your clone becomes irreversibly boss-eyed. Stimulate your growth hormones with your ‘Yeti’ implant to become fantastically hairy, or shove your ‘Beancounter’ implant into your brainstem and become embarrassingly flatulent.

With technology advancements now allowing up to five other capsuleers to join you, players can enjoy entertaining ‘Operation’ style party games such as Implant Darts, Pass the Kidney and Scalpel Fight.

Summer 2013 – EVE Online: Nova

Nova, the expansion all the teenagers had been hoping for, sees the introduction of fully customisable pole-dancers. As a licensed clone service utilising state-of-the-art AI, Nova will be available on all stations. Nova will do everything she can to please the ship-spinning capsuleer, with a variety of provocative dances. A variety of alluring costumes will be available from the NeX store.

After the first few weeks, Nova will start to expect the player to be more attentive, setting increasingly unreasonable missions, demanding gifts and sometimes requiring the capsuleer to remain docked for the session. The optional male variant (Dave) will just become inactive and sit on the couch watching holovids.

Fortunately, Nova is backwards compatible with previous expansions and can “interact” with all Trauma devices and the Inferno features.

Winter 2013 – EVE Online: Mjolnir

Named for the hammer of Thor, Norse God of Thunder, Mjolnir will indeed allow your avatar to get to grips with a hammer. In fact a full set of DIY tools will become standard in all Captain’s Quarters and will be stored in an all new annexed area of the CQ called the Self-contained Hassle-free Engineering Dome (SHED).

Better yet, the CQ will now be extensively customisable. With fully-featured world-building tools, the player will now be able to manipulate 3D versions of many in-game items and build unique constructions. Tinkering with strange devices in the SHED can lead to the creation of unique and marketable objects.

Unfortunately, every time you dock, you will find Nova has moved things from your hangar and won’t tell you where they are until certain amendments have been made to the main Captain’s Quarters area. Expect DIY missions such as “Wardrobe Construction”, “Curtain-Pole Adjustment” and “Fix the Holoscreen (cos it won’t turn on any more, I don’t know what I’ve done).”

I can’t wait. The future is coming. 😉