“What if I told you they’d been lying to you?
“What if I told you there is more to see in your Captain’s Quarters than they want you to see?
“What if I told you…
…The Door opens.”
  – The sleeping engineer.

Your captain’s quarters: that strange, lifeless tomb you rarely visit. Why would you? There’s nothing to do there that you can’t do more efficiently another way.

Until now.

Texty Beast

Incarna: The Text Adventure, my coffee-fuelled satirical creation built on the Schadenfreude Game Engine in response to the Fearless Monoclegate Summer of Incarnage of two years ago, has evolved.

It has grown beyond a mere 7,000 words, to a feature-complete 15,000. In EVE Online: The Text Adventure – Chapter One: The Broken Capsule, there is now actual gameplay – with mysteries to uncover, puzzles to solve and Easter eggs to reveal. There are even some new jokes.

Not only that, there’s actual graphics. Don’t get too excited, it’s still an interactive story text adventure (the Schadenfreude engine has its limits, even with the Twine plug-in), but aesthetically it is far more pleasing than its predecessor and has a lot more content than the avatar engine we all politely ignore.

[Note: There is a bit of a bug regarding visual effects and the browser BACK button. I’ll fix it as soon as I can, but a workaround to stop unwanted video playing is pressing your browser REFRESH button. Text shake can be resolved by choosing another option. Sorry for the inconvenience.]

So what can you do in The Broken Capsule? Well I can’t give too much away without ruining the experience, but with the right kind of lateral thinking, that door really does open and you really can see what’s on the other side. You can even step beyond the threshold and sample that bold texty frontier.

But there’s more.

The Titular Treasure Hunt

When the chapter has been solved and you have successfully escaped your Captain’s Quarters, a link will be provided on the winning page. Following that link will take you to a location where being the first to submit any of the following information will net you a prize.

I will pay 50 million ISK to the first to achieve each of the following:

  • Earn 10 Titles

As you explore your quarters and the surrounding environs, you will encounter various situations and conditions which will grant you titles. These can be monitored on the SCORE page in the sidebar of the Broken Capsule “UI”. A full list must be provided.

  • Find the Regions

List all of the New Eden Regions which occur in the text.

  • Devious Devs

Name all the devs who have been secreted in and around the Captain’s Quarters in text or visual form.

  • Race to the Line

List every Race and Bloodline mentioned in the text.

  • Systemic Gameplay

List every New Eden star system which occurs in the text.

  • The Poetry of Combat

Hidden somewhere is a dreamy haiku. What is it?


  • The relevant information needs to be posted at the location provided on successful completion of Chapter One. Delivering the answers by any other means will not be accepted. 
  • Winners may claim any one or all of the prizes (Total :300m ISK).
  • Only entirely correct lists will be accepted. Missing answers or additional guesses will render the claim forfeit (and possibly give answers away to other potential claimants.)
  • Claimants should also post the name of the character they wish to receive the ISK.
  • Competition begins at 0600 EVE time today (4th July) to allow the hosting server to catch up with the latest update.
I hope you enjoy your Captain’s Quarters experience.

“I am no longer able to launch a volley of missile with a single thought…
“I am no longer protected by shields, armor, drones, anything. I am just a body…
“Easily replaceable, carbon based, piece of meat.
“It makes me sick. But its what I have to do to get what I need.
“Sometimes you need to get offline, to get things done.” –
A capsuleer busting for a piss, 2011.

Two years ago, CCP dropped a bollock with Captain’s Quarters implementation, shattering the dreams of some and royally pissing off almost everyone else.

I just picked that bollock up.

Thank me later, after I’ve cleaned my hands. 😉

Further reading:

I will be writing about my nascent game development experiences with Twine on GameSkinny. The introductory article is already up.